Frosh failure hasn’t even sold single startup by end of New Student Orientation

Humor by Om Jahagirdar
Sept. 27, 2022, 9:14 p.m.

Freshmen have many questions during new student orientation. How many units should I take? Which clubs should I join? How many custom cloth masks should I shamelessly steal from the archery club’s activities fair booth before they get suspicious? Fortunately, most freshmen situate themselves before their classes start. However, some have already failed Stanford, not selling even one startup before the end of orientation.

“I made the mistake of prioritizing making the world a better place,” explained failure Hu Zian, “I wrote a program that miraculously breaks the laws of physics to create energy and matter from nothing in any form the user desires. I can’t believe I gave this to everyone for free. In a post-scarcity world, I’ll never get acquired!”

“Sometimes you have to put your ego aside,” commented freshman founder and successful seller of shoe crowdsourcing platform WalkADayInMine Ian Ceballos “Not everyone is gonna sell for a billion. So what if you only get a few million out of it?”

However, one freshman had a different perspective. “I wanted to focus on making new friends. I’ll sell mine next week instead.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Om Jahagirdar is the Humor Managing Editor and All-Time Humblest Writer at The Daily. Contact him omjahagirdar 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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