This week, Approaching Stanford mailed materials for a “new, exciting and innovative” orientation to the Class of 2024. In addition to a lanyard and a couple vegan chicken tenders from The Axe & Palm, students received a Stanford-themed Rosetta Stone CD to help them practice Stanford phrases.

“Stanford speak is basically its own language, so we went with the latest in language acquisition programs,” said Jon Flubber ’23, a New Student Orientation (NSO) coordinator. “Duolingo was also an option, but we found the little owl too abrasive for our purposes.”

The package contains tons of Stanford words, phrases and abbreviations to practice, including each and every building named after a famous eugenicist. Images accompany these phrases to ensure adapting to student life will be a breeze when freshmen first arrive on campus in 2029.

“Are you applying to the IntroSem at Full Moon on the Quad?” practices one incoming freshman. “Let’s pregame at Arrillaga — my favorite dining hall!”

The programming is split up into 15 units, ranging from “Everyday Life” to “A Night on the (Virtual) Row.” My personal favorite is the unit called “So You’ve Just Received an Email from a Vice Provost,” detailing what exactly a vice provost is and providing a quick cheat sheet on all 700 of them. Despite the ease Rosetta Stone brings to the transition to college, a few new students are still having trouble learning the Farm.

“Am I supposed to eat or exercise at Arrillaga? Ok wait, you eat and exercise at this alumni center?” posted one student to the class Facebook page.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.