Satire by Vivek Tanna
Only three months after the launch of Tinder’s Global Mode, which gave users the option to make their profile available to other swipers globally, Tinder has officially rolled out Interplanetary Mode, which allows access to users on other planets.
“Only a few weeks after Global Mode launched, we were bombarded with complaints that there just weren’t enough eligible swipers,” commented one Tinder executive. “Users during quarantine are now running out of profiles to see on planet Earth, and this expansion was the only way we could keep the infinite scroll going.”
“The interplanetary option was a critical step in the right direction,” commented Percil Lavrange-Cole ’22. “A potential Tinder community of 7 billion people is nowhere near large enough for me to find true love! And to think my swiping radius used to be only the size of Ohio — how did I ever manage?”
“Oh yeah, I think we all needed this,” said another, much more reasonable student, who wished to remain anonymous. “Seeing Stanford students you know from your PWR or SYMSYS 1 class on Tinder used to be super awkward. After this long in quarantine, matching with any other human on this planet has become equally awkward.”
In a few months, Tinder is expected to launch their new swiping option: use Hinge instead.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Vivek Tanna at vtanna ‘at’ stanford.edu.