With egregious voter suppression and now foreign interference in elections, America has been no stranger to caloric austerity. But this year, with a president creating confusion around a fair election and refusing to accept its results, millions of Americans have reached an unprecedented commitment to swerve away from thick, fattening Democracy. Instead, they’re flirting with a new product: Democracy Lite.

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SATIRE: The five new coaches suggested that they would bring a new, holistic coaching strategy. First, players would be instructed to take everything in their wardrobe, and burn it!

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SATIRE: “Only a few weeks after Global Mode launched, we were bombarded with complaints that there just weren’t enough eligible swipers,” commented one Tinder executive. “This was the only way we could keep the infinite scroll going.”

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SATIRE: “Oh for sure, I’m one of the good apples, and it’s totally fair to give me the responsibility of fixing the system,” said one cop. “I mean, I even think that murder is wrong!"

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The COVID-19 death toll makes death and the resulting absence of loved ones difficult to grasp.

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SATIRE: “It’s true, the phrase is catchy and gets the point across,” said the lead researcher of one recent trial. “However, its observed use skyrocketed so quickly that its effect has turned around markedly.”

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SATIRE: “It’s true,” commented one top administrator. “After a certain threshold for annual income, the federal government starts giving you insider information on the state of public health.”

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