If you enjoy La Croix, there are still a variety of ways to live a well-adjusted life — for example, having it only when offered, drinking it only in secret or bathing in it only on special occasions. However, it is important to be aware of potential signs that your commitment to this “flavored” beverage is affecting your personal relationships. Here are nine to watch out for (17 was a lie):
You have a shelf on your fridge dedicated to it
It’s a huge red flag if your roommate can’t find enough room for their Kombucha experiment because you’re hogging all the fridge space with your sparkling seawater.
You stop drinking regular water
Hydrate or die-drate, Kyle! Water literally falls from the sky. No need to pay extra money just to have someone put it in a can and drop a single Skittle in it.
You make a scene out of opening the can in professional environments
Don’t be surprised that we noticed; you were literally wall-twerking and making continuous eye contact with me as you cracked open that can of glorified grapefruit sweat. Let me remind you that the La Croix company is not paying you for this unsolicited commercial — and if anything it will only harm their sales.
You start speaking in a bad French accent
Oui oui, croissant? Baguette, Eiffel Tower? Spoiler alert: it’s an American product. Attempting a French accent is an almost guaranteed sign that your commitment to this fruit-vomit has gotten out of hand. Don’t be your own saboteur, mademoiselle!
You mention La Croix on the first date
We love forthrightness to set the tone for a new relationship. But if you lust for the taste of water that had an allergic reaction to citrus? Whoa, slow down. That’s just too kinky. You should withhold this detail from your partner until at least five years of marriage.
La Croix is a sensitive topic at home
Your loved ones are afraid to bring up their justified dislike of your berry burp soda, your cocktail coughed on by a coconut, because they know an argument will ensue. They’re exhausted from watching you run away from the dinner table, wailing about how no one understands, how no one will never appreciate what you see in that drink and what it sees in you.
You voted for Jill Stein
This one explains itself.
You genuinely like drinking it
Just, like, why? Please help us understand, so that we can help you. There must be some other issue involved if you somehow derive pleasure from this Jamba Juice wastewater, the beverage equivalent of biting into an apple core while stepping on a Lego brick. And finally:
You write an article about how bad La Croix is
To be clear, I don’t really mind La Croix myself. (Like actually.) I think it’s a fabulous product and I’m kind of obsessed; I wrote this article just to deflect suspicion. Anyways, I’m not on speaking terms with any of my friends, but I can handle anything as long as I have a can of that good-old, sugar-free, carbonated fruit diarrhea in hand.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Vivek Tanna at vtanna ‘at’ stanford.edu.