This week, Stanford Athletics announced that the Fab Five, the stars of Netflix’s popular makeover show Queer Eye, would all soon be hired jointly as the head coach of Stanford’s varsity football team.

The new coaches suggested that they would bring a new, holistic coaching strategy inspired by Queer Eye’s life makeovers. First, players would be instructed to take everything in their wardrobe, and burn it!

“I’m a fan of the hiring decision because I think the new coaches can help me live up to my style potential,” commented varsity quarterback Tim Brady ’21. “I’ve been wanting to wear more pastel tones. Oh, and scarves! I’ve heard that soft but secure masculinity is super popular with the ladies these days.”

The department also confirmed the cast of five would evenly split the previous head coach’s salary — a substantial raise compared to their previous work at Netflix.

“In a changing sports landscape, we decided it was time to move the team in a new direction,” commented Stanford Athletics Director Dr. Greg Mancakes. The director also hinted that next year the head coach of the men’s basketball team would also step down, to be replaced by illustrious drag queen Ima Ballplayer. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Vivek Tanna at vtanna ‘at’ stanford.edu.