The logic is simple. The cost of an in-person education at Stanford last year was $52,857. It only follows, then, that the cost of a completely remote education — devoid of Stanford’s resources — should be more. Let’s say, 5% more!

At $52,857, students were basically robbing the University. Stanford was providing us with a world-class education and the opportunity to explore anything our minds dreamt of. And what did we give them? Nothing. Well, besides money.

Now, with unemployment rates at an all-time high due to a global pandemic, our ability to pay has only increased. Being cut off from campus resources, coupled with our classrooms restricted to a Zoom call in our childhood bedroom, the Stanford education has only improved. It’s hard to truly quantify this improvement, but $55,473 is a start.

“We believe the value of a Stanford education and degree, whether in-person or remote, continues to greatly exceed tuition,” University spokesperson E.J. Miranda wrote in a statement. (And that line isn’t even satire — he really said that!)

Screw it — $55,473? That’s not enough. Stanford has a $27.7 billion endowment, and there were 7,000 of us undergraduates last year. Thus, if we are to truly pay for our Stanford education, the University must set tuition to $3,959,405.37.

I am sure there are students out there who agree with me. If you do, support my cause. Sign my petition. Let’s make things right.

— Dersis Prell ’24

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.