The current financial situation of the United States has been deemed officially “bad” according to U.S. News, and that is super uncool. In fear of the dollar becoming wack, Stanford has reacted by requiring all tuition bills to be paid exclusively in Bitcoin for this current school year. 

Richard Cash, a Stanford economics professor, has endorsed the move. “Bitcoin is kind of dope,” Cash explains. “And it’s exciting waking up every morning knowing that your wealth is stored in a largely unpredictable, unregulated cryptocurrency. What a time to be alive.” 

Stanford is hoping that dealing in Bitcoin will protect the University by looking super cool. As a University spokesperson explained, “Focus groups show that Bitcoin makes you seem quirky, edgy and fun. We here at Stanford will do anything to be wacky and different.”

Despite all of this excitement, students tend to be against the billing change. Most do not have large sums of Bitcoin stored up to pay tuition, and many are confused about Bitcoin in general. “Is Bitcoin the same as Webkinz cash? What’s the exchange rate?” asked Sarah Jean ’22.

Computer science students are one of the few demographics happy to pay in Bitcoin. As Carl Morris ’23 explains, he has “been mining Bitcoin since middle school” and could buy “at least 12 hot tubs” with the wealth he’s accumulated. “This is the day CS majors have been waiting for,” Morris said. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.