As we adjust to the new Zoom normal, it is more important than ever to be prepared for remote classes. Below are some important tips for those making the most of digital Stanford.
- Have a designated workspace. When working from home, it can be hard to separate your work time from your recreational time. Try setting up a designated workspace so that it’s easier for you to sit down and focus on your work when necessary.
- Fall asleep. Falling asleep on Zoom makes you seem really cool and mysterious. What are you dreaming about? Why are you so bold and rebellious? Your professors might even give you an automatic A in their class. I mean, if you are sleeping through lecture, you must be pretty smart.
- Pluck your nose hair. Now, plucking your nose on a live Zoom call may seem a bit odd, but people bond through pain. As your classmates watch you go to town on those thick nostril ropes, they’ll be watching your eyes. The moist glow of pain in your eyes will make everyone on the call feel like they know and understand you on a deep level.
- Get bluelight glasses. Not only will these glasses protect your eyes from days of long Zoom calls, but they will also really fit into the whole “Fear the Nerd” aesthetic. Functionality and fashion at once!
- Use fun backgrounds. Exciting Zoom backgrounds make you stand out from the crowd. Try using a screenshot from “the Office,” a photo of your professor’s basement or a picture of two apes hugging. These fun Zoom background screens will elevate your Zooming to the next level, for sure.
- Eat chili. Nothing sets the tone for a Zoom class like a nice, brown bowl of chili. Slurping down that meat goo on camera will show your professors that you are serious about your remote learning as your meal glugs down into your stomach.
- Turn your camera off. Nothing livens up a small discussion section like having a wall of blank Zoom screens. Professors will love that you keep your camera off as you zone out in all of their classes. It will really show them that you are engaged and passionate about the material.
- Give birth. You may be thinking: how do I give birth to a human child during a Zoom call? But, as challenging as it may be, nothing will bring you closer to your Stanford professors and classmates than turning a seemingly normal lecture day into a childbirth livestream.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.