Satire by Sofie Storan
The admissions office announced today that application to Stanford will no longer be mandatory for the class of 2025, a historic deviation from longtime policy that will affect approximately 120 million 17-year-olds worldwide.
Having already gone test-optional earlier this year, the university has decided that the continuing pandemic mandates more significant measures. “We recognize that recent developments have resulted in stress for students applying during the 2020-2021 academic year,” read the office’s official statement. “For this reason, we will continue to practice holistic admission as normal, but know that you are not compelled to apply to Stanford.”
The announcement came as a source of relief to the world’s 17-year-olds, who will no longer be required to submit their applications. Stanford’s 52 admissions personnel also expressed thankfulness for the change, noting that reading 2.3 million applications each every year was unsustainable given the constraints imposed by working from home.
“It was already difficult for me to get through 2.3 million Common App essays each year, not to mention supplements,” said admissions officer Kathleen Park. “It’s definitely been complicated by the fact that we can’t meet in person. I’m so glad that the university has recognized this issue and taken action.”
Former prospective applicant Samuel Laurent, of Amiens, France, also expressed gratitude.
“I do not understand why I had to apply to Stanford,” Laurent said. “I have never even wanted to go to the United States for university. My friends and I are all very happy to be free of this burden.”
Dean of Admissions Mike Devlin stressed that the policy was a temporary response to the current situation, and reminded the world’s approximately 240 million 15- and 16-year-olds that it was never too early to start working on one’s Stanford application.
“You will apply to Stanford,” he said. “You will.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Sofie Storan at sofiefs ‘at’ stanford.edu.