Frosh confident that seventh succulent will finally fill the pit of loneliness growing inside them

Satire by

Online learning has been scorned for being less engaging, less entertaining and more eye-straining than in-person learning. But for most frosh the worst part of these unprecedented circumstances has been the inability to make friends or find any kind of lasting social connection. Dubbed “Friendless Frosh Syndrome” by overenthusiastic psychology majors, this condition has spread widely throughout Stanford’s incoming class, impacting dozens of helpless frosh. 

One victim of Friendless Frosh Syndrome (FFS), Kathereign McFields ’24, opened up about her struggles with her total lack of social life. 

“It’s been hard. I mean, there’s no opportunity to talk to anyone. The last time I spoke to a person was when I asked a question in my Psych section last week,” McFields said. “But I think the really important thing is that I’ve found a way to cope,” she added. 

Surrounded by a truly alarming number of plants in her Zooming location, it was unsurprising that her coping mechanism was nature-related. 

“So what I’ve been doing is buying plants to substitute for friends! They’re also living things, so it’s basically the same thing. And they’re such good listeners! I swear, there is no better conversational partner than a cactus,” Kathereign explained. 

After The Occasionally declined her offer to speak with her cacti, Kathereign shared a final anecdote about dealing with FFS: “It’s really not as bad as it seems. Who needs friends when you have adorable little plants? I think anyone looking to get over FFS should seriously consider buying themselves some succulent friends. It almost makes you feel human again.” 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Simran Tandon at simrant ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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