Satire by Sofie Storan
As reported by her classmates, Holly Aarons ’23, an international student from Christchurch, New Zealand, has been acting pretty goddamn full of herself in her one-unit COVID-19 seminar.
“I just think it’s so fascinating how differently our countries have handled the coronavirus,” Aarons explained during her self-introduction earlier this week, oblivious to the glares and mutterings of her fellow students. “Like, here, we’re basically back to normal, and you guys haven’t even ended your first wave yet! Isn’t that crazy?”
Aaron’s classmates’ resentment grew following a breakout-room discussion during which she repeatedly compared the USA’s case numbers to New Zealand’s, mentioned the relaxation of social distancing rules, and said that she “couldn’t imagine” living in America. Although she has mentioned a preexisting interest in epidemiology, some went as far as to suggest that she had only taken the class in order to brag about New Zealand’s superior pandemic management.
“She’ll spend like ten minutes talking about how her government effectively prevented PPE shortages, and then right after launch into a diatribe about the value of subsidized healthcare,” said classmate Hannah Alvarez ’23. “It’s like, yeah, Holly, we get it. Your country isn’t crawling with anti-intellectuals. There’s no need to rub it in.”
“And she always says ‘your president,’” Elaine Park ’24, said “Like he’s our responsibility just because we’re American. She’s always like, ‘Jacinda says this,’ or ‘Jacinda says that.’ Look, we’re all jealous, okay? Just shut up about it.”
Alvarez agreed, adding, “Last week, I’m pretty sure she sat by a window just so that we could see people outside willingly wearing masks.”
The students are not alone in their irritation.
“Holly brings a valuable international perspective to our discussions,” lecturer Katrina Thompson said. “It’s certainly interesting to look at the ways in which different governments have responded to the pandemic. That said, I’ve been working from home with two toddlers since March. I sometimes wish she’d put a sock in it.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Sofie Storan at sofiefs ‘at’ stanford.edu.