Stanford is relieved that after years of keeping their dirty secret they are finally free: They admitted that they care more about athletes than their other students. After announcing that University sports would soon be back to in-person practices and competitions — despite “normie” students struggling to pursue their academic and artistic interests entirely online — the cat was out of the bag, and it was finally clear that Stanford believes athletes are inherently better than everybody else.

“I am not surprised — I’m disappointed,” Ben Pearson ’22 said. “I knew that Stanford cared more about athletes than me when my freshman-year football-playing roommate got one of those Sondors electric bikes. But I thought at least they would have the decency to lie about it.”

Expenses for this coming sports season include building a new athletic campus in Utah to bypass Santa Clara County restrictions and personal foot massagers for every athlete. No reason has been given regarding the latter.

“We were wondering: How do we make sports happen this year?” Freida Collins, a University spokesperson, said. “Then the answer was there, clear as day — ignore the rest of our students, and spend all of our money on sports. Simple!”

Many athletes see no issues with this special treatment. “I mean, if you had any hand-eye coordination, you’d be valued as a real member of the Stanford community, too,” one anonymous student-athlete said. 

Mostly the University is feeling relieved. “Do you know how hard it was to hide our bias for sports?” said Collins. “We [Stanford] have always wanted to spend all of our time and resources on athletics, but we had to pretend to be ‘fair.’ How ridiculous!”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.