After the announcement that Stanford’s tuition would increase by 5% for the 2020-21 school year, many students have found themselves panicking over how they will pay for college. With the first University bill payment due on Oct. 15, one student has found a particularly innovative way to fund his post-secondary education: pushing copious amounts of drugs.

The student, who has undertaken the alias Leland Escobar, has reportedly been selling drugs for the past four weeks, many of which were synthesized using the materials in his CHEM 31M Boxed Lab Kit. According to students who have totally never bought from Escobar before, some of the street names of his drugs include “MTL’s Kiss,” “Mary Jane Stanford,” and “MATH 51.” 

Mental health resources at Stanford speculate that Escobar was easily able to find an audience of students who felt that listening to Juice WRLD wasn’t enough to cope with the pain of online school. Moreover, recent drug-use statistics from Vaden Health Center have suggested that Escobar has been targeting new demographics each week and is continuing to expand his operations.

“I think a lot of people view Stanford as a place where everyone comes from a privileged background. They don’t know about the side hustles. They don’t know about this grind,” Escobar declared in a recent post on his private Snapchat story.

When asked about how campus security was planning on handling the situation, one public safety officer replied, “Honestly, I don’t really want to do anything. Escobar has become an integral part of the Stanford community, and because of his drugs, I’ve noticed that students are a lot happier … He’s lowkey doing God’s work, so if I see him hustlin’ around campus I will simply look away.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lorenzo Del Rosario at lorenzak ‘at’ stanford.edu.