White House productivity soars after Trump implements new policy of coughing on underperforming aides

Humor by Sarah Lewis
Oct. 13, 2020, 10:40 p.m.

Top White House analysts have noted a historic spike in productivity thanks to President Trump’s innovative new staff encouragement policy. 

“I have never felt so motivated before. I’ve been working like my life depends on it,” said assistant speech editor Carl Jenkins, nervously looking over his shoulder. “In fact, I should not be taking time off to give this interview. Get away from me before he sees! Move, you fools!”

“You won’t find me slacking off,” said Jillian Parker, a political advisory aide, her eyes darting anxiously around the room. “It’s far too dangerous. Yesterday one of my colleagues decided to open a Facebook notification on her phone. Without warning, President Trump jumped out from behind a comically large tie and coughed in her face. She died instantly.” 

“It’s been very successful,” wheezed Donald Trump while gripping a railing for support. “Coughing on aides is incredibly effective. Effective like you’ve never even seen. No one has ever brought such an effective policy into the White House before. No one. Nasty Nancy is too scared to cough on people. Chuck Schumer couldn’t hock up some phlegm if he tried. But me, I’m not afraid to cough. You know, I’ve coughed on more people in the past 48 hours than Sleepy Joe has in 47 years! And you know, my coughs, they’re very virile. They’re full of phlegm. They’re very athletic coughs. Nothing like democratic coughs. My coughs watch football. They’re coughs like no one has ever seen before. These are hardworking, all-American coughs.”

Due to the new policy’s success, President Trump says he is considering expanding the program in an effort to push his Supreme Court Justice nomination through the Senate. “I’m putting my infected saliva to work for you, America,” Trump said. “If any Republican senators break the party line, I will spit directly into their mouth.”

Still, the policy is not without its perils. According to one aide, President Trump coughed on her “with such violent gusto” that “the solid mass of his hairspray-encrusted hair flew off of his head and out the window” where it was misidentified first as a rare orange-billed warbler finch, then as a rare bipartisan-billed COVID-19 relief plan, and was therefore immediately shot down by Mitch McConnell. 

The hair was quickly airlifted to the Walter Reed Medical Center. After receiving an emergency lung transplant, three doses of remdesivir and a Kobe beef steak, the hair is said to be in stable condition and is currently healing from its injuries in the presidential suite, awaiting transplant back onto the president’s head. The aide in question could not be reached for further comment, having already donated both of her lungs to the hairpiece.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Sarah Lewis is the desk editor of the Humor section, an occasional writer for the Science and Technology news desk, and a gluttonous devourer of cheesy speculative fiction novels. She can often be found wearing silly hats in the Daily's satirical news videos, belting musical theatre songs, or burning toast. Contact her with questions, concerns, or Shakespearian insults at slewis 'at' stanforddaily.com

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