A groundbreaking discovery has been made from the constraints of a desperate frosh’s dorm room, where she single-handedly formulated the vaccine providing antibody resistance to SARS-CoV-2.

The Daily finally had the opportunity to interview Diana Johnson ’24, whose statue is currently being built in the Engineering Quad to commemorate her becoming the most notable Stanford alum of the century. Her explanation as to how she did it was cryptic, but she very clearly spelled out her incentive.

“I just had to get out of it,” she said. “Not only having to be in the same pod as my roommate but also having to choose other roommate pairs with her? I think my roommate’s friends’ roommates are even worse than my roommate and her friends. Does that make sense? I think it does.”

When prompted for her roommate’s response, she added: “I’m sorry Annabelle, but your friends are jerks and I’m pretty sure they’re the reason our floors are so damn sticky all the time. I can’t even imagine what it’d be like for them to be actually allowed in here. Sorry I had to say that, but I guess we’re even now that you’re free to hang out with them whenever. Just keep them away from me.”

As for the vaccine, she noted: “It’s free. Just take it off my hands and distribute it to the county. I can’t take this anymore.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Defne Genc at defneg ‘at’ stanford.edu.