This week, the legislatures of 17 states including California, New York, Illinois and Massachusetts made a deal with Tinder to allow early voting to take place on the application. This move was designed to encourage and mobilize young voters to use their voice and their libido.
“Here at Tinder, we really believe in fair elections, and we really wanted to get out as much of the vote as we can,” software developer Gary McGuigan says. “We felt we could do that by making voting as easy as possible, which is why we made the voting virtually indistinguishable from the rest of the app.”
To a Tinder user, the candidates in each race will appear as potential matches presented in immediate succession, and a swipe right on one of the candidates counts as a vote for that candidate. Young people across the country are now forced to examine not only the candidates’ platforms and policy agendas, but also their raw sexual magnetism. The Tinder deal has forced candidates up and down the ballot, including both President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, to curate new and attractive Tinder profiles.
Dani Blobovich, 19, and Sammy Fleek, 21, were among the first to sample this new technology.
“I was gonna swipe right on Donald. I really liked the lifestyle pics of the golf and the helicopters, definitely big sugar daddy vibes. But his booty might be too big, and I think that could be a dealbreaker,” said Blobovich.
“Joe can definitely rock a pair of shades, and he’s in great shape for his age. I just don’t know about this whole train thing, it seemed a little weird to me, but maybe he’s just quirky like that. Could be kind of a turn-on,” said Fleek.
In states with ballot initiatives and referendums, including California, each ballot item will be represented by two potential matches, one affirmative and one negative. Tinder’s profiles for California’s Proposition 22, which aims to treat app-based rideshare and delivery drivers as independent contractors, are an investor in a delivery app (Zac, 27) and an Uber driver (Benji, 24).
“Zac is definitely living the life. Love his haircut, and nice Jordans. Like, I don’t love that he wants to exploit the delivery drivers, but that jawline though,” said Blobovich, who resides in Alameda County.
“I know he’s an Uber driver, and I think I want a man who has a better job, but Benji is so cute. Definite hookup material for sure,” said Fleek, who resides in Santa Clara County.
Although the Tinder deal has seen bipartisan support in several states, others remain skeptical, including Senator Bernie Sanders. “Why is it that the top one percent of profiles get fifty percent of all the swipes? We need a revolution! I’m sick and tired of all the damn swiping,” Sanders said.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Charlie Kogen at kogen ‘at’ stanford.edu.