Stanford anthropologists to make first contact with uncontacted peoples in effort to inflate applicant pool

Humor by Sofie Storan
Oct. 18, 2020, 5:10 p.m.

The anthropology department announced yesterday that a team of faculty and students will make the first recorded contact with two Amazonian indigenous groups next month. The announcement was made in conjunction with the Office of Undergraduate Admission, which intends to encourage the contacted individuals to apply to Stanford so as to expand the applicant pool, thereby lowering the acceptance rate for the class of 2025. 

The expedition will drop 42 specially made capsules, each containing the message, “As you approach the college application process, take the time to reflect on what is important to you. Finding the right school can take time, and we encourage you to research a variety of academic institutions. At Stanford, we strive to demystify application,” in pictographs.

Each capsule will also contain photos of Stanford’s campus, a printed copy of the Common App, a pen with which to fill it in and basic first-aid supplies. No physical contact will be made so as to prevent the transmission of infectious diseases. 

“For years, we’ve been sending emails to every student gullible enough to give the College Board their contact information,” said admissions spokesperson Cathy Kilman. “Yet our acceptance rate still hovers around 4%, which, quite frankly, is ridiculously high. This expedition represents a turning point for Stanford’s capacity to attract an ever-growing pool of application fees — I mean, applicants.”

“I’m not exactly sure of the anthropological value of this expedition,” archaeology lecturer Hannah Jung said. “Personally, I have some ethical problems with contacting historically isolated groups. But the administration made it very clear that our funding depended on it, so I guess we can drop some pamphlets explaining Stanford’s diverse array of majors.” 

When informed of the decision, Harvard Dean of Admissions William R. Fitzsimmons reportedly cursed and pounded his fist against his desk. 

“Stanford’s acceptance rate is already 0.3% lower than ours,” Fitzsimmons said when asked for comment. “This new move is totally unacceptable. If Harvard wants to maintain our reputation for selectivity, we’re going to have to start searching for applicants in even stranger and more remote places. Like Iowa.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Sofie Storan at sofiefs ‘at’

Contact Sofie at humor 'at'

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