Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the NBA made the decision to hold all playoff games suspended 10,000 feet above the Walt Disney World grounds. As expected, many concerns have been raised regarding the integrity of the precarious arrangement.
Needless to say, the NBA has already been in a bubble for several decades. Players, coaches and owners make so much money, they are completely out of touch with the cities and people they represent.
“I’m always scared that the bubble holding us will pop and we’ll all fall to our doom, metaphorically speaking of course,” said Lakers bench player/cheerleader JR Smith. “If just one person gets coronavirus, we’ll all get it. Also, it’s really chilly up here at this altitude.”
Of course, the NBA bubble has been detrimental to competition. Wealth inequality only perpetuates the presence of monopolies. Bubbles reducing competition result in controlling institutions antithetical to neoliberal ideals, perpetuating late-stage capitalism. To quote influential Chicago school scholar Henry Calvert Simmons, “The great enemy of democracy is monopoly.”
Moreover, the literal bubble is most definitely giving some teams an unfair advantage. The only possible explanation for why the Denver Nuggets beat the Clippers is that they’re already used to playing at elevation.
Although critics critique the bubble (as they do), the bubble has resulted in some amazing scientific discoveries. In addition to the imagineering marvel the bubble itself presents, reports show that rookies are somehow still sneaking girls in. It seems the will of affluent horny 20-somethings is more powerful than the laws of physics.
The bubble has also proved to be an inspiration for youth. Now more than ever, playing in the NBA is a lofty goal. If you want to make it, you have to work especially hard to play above the rest. However, with enough effort, you will rise to the occasion.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Om Jahagirdar at ojahagir ‘at’ stanford.edu