Yale University establishes committee to help white applicants

Oct. 25, 2020, 8:24 p.m.

A recent lawsuit against Yale has heavily criticized the university’s admissions office for discriminating against one of the most oppressed groups in America: white people. This demographic has long experienced inequities in the education sector, and the U.S Department of Justice has declared the school’s admissions process to be an ugly violation of civil-rights law.

The case shed light on many of the adversities that Caucasians face when applying to prestigious universities. To address these unfair hardships, the Yale administration has developed a committee dedicated to ensuring that the school’s admissions process is fair and equitable for white students — the White Applicants Panel, informally known as WAP.

Due to allegations about Yale having too much affirmative action, the committee is fully dedicated to making sure that the university is non-affirmative in all of its actions. When asked about how the committee plans on doing this, WAP spokesperson Tanner Smith stated:

“I’m not really sure. In fact, no one here can really affirm anything. But that’s the point, right?”

Alongside its attempts to eradicate affirmative action, the WAP is also working on reforming the admissions process as a whole. Its first goal is to eliminate race as a factor in admissions altogether.

“We thought it was extremely unfair that Yale makes the race of students a part of their application. What if they have asthma?” Smith noted.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lorenzo Del Rosario at lorenzak ‘at’ stanford.edu

Lorenzo Del Rosario ’24 is the supreme dictator of the podcasts section. When he isn’t too busy taking long naps or religiously listening to Kendrick Lamar, he also writes for humor and the equity project. Hailing from the superior northern territory of Alaska, he plans on majoring in bioengineering and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at ldelrosario 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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