Satire by Simran Tandon
Are you tired of normal depression? Is your regular sadness and melancholy getting you down? Does life seem even grayer and duller than usual? Are you looking for ways to spice up your aimless existence?
If you said yes to any of these questions, we have exactly the product for you!
We’ve used our patented revolutionary innovative technology to take the depression you know and love to a whole new level to create Seasonal Depression™.
Seasonal Depression™ is exactly like your regular depression, but with the added flavors of nutmeg, ginger, cinnamon and cloves to add a whole new dimension to your depressive experience. Variety is the spice of life, and our patented spices are sure to add new and exciting experiences to your everyday sadness.
Happy customers have absolutely loved their experience with Seasonal Depression™.
“Before using Seasonal Depression, I would just lie in bed and stare at my ceiling for hours. Now, I do the exact same thing but everything smells vaguely like pumpkin pie and those white girls with Uggs,” said Christa Johnson ’22.
“Nothing gets me in the holiday mood like Seasonal Depression,” mused Ted Mullovenly, father of two.
“The delicious smell of pumpkin spice almost makes up for the complete lack of sunlight and any kind of comforting warmth,” said Jefferson Lee ’24.
Try Seasonal Depression™ today! Just call 1-800-PUMPKIN and we’ll send you Seasonal Depression for only $499.99! If you are one of our first 83 callers, we’ll throw in our currently unreleased Holiday Depression for only $199.99 extra! Buy now while supplies last.
Disclaimer: Seasonal Depression™ is not for everyone. Talk to your doctor before purchasing Seasonal Depression™ to make sure it is right for you. Side effects of Seasonal Depression™ may include: developing Christian Girl Autumn Syndrome (CGAS), lightheadedness, internal bleeding and rashes. The Seasonal Depression Co. is not liable for any purchases of infinity scarves, Starbucks Gold Cards or pocket bibles that were made as a result of taking Seasonal Depression™. If you exhibit any side effects listed above for a period of over seven days, contact your doctor immediately. Do not take if allergic to pumpkin spice, pumpkins or pumpkin-adjacent fruits.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Simran Tandon at simrant ‘at’ stanford.edu.