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Fraternity sends noise machines, saunas, sweat samples to students to recreate parties

Satire by

Because of the COVID-19 pandemic, fraternities and sororities have been struggling to keep spirits high with their usual weekend festivities — but after months of being away from campus they have finally devised a strategy to recreate the parties of yore. In keeping with quarantine safety precautions, Kappa Ligma has been sending students PPE: personal partying equipment.

“Since we can’t bring people to the party in the way we used to, we decided to bring the party to the people,” says Edward H. Javascript III ’22, who is the social chair of Kappa Ligma, better known as “K-Lig.” “My dad is tight with Bezos, so we can get same-day shipping on anything. Laptop chargers, birthday hookers, candles, you name it.”

Some Greek organizations, like Kappa Ligma, have been sending each member a care package containing party essentials designed to make any space feel like a frat house. To recreate the sonic experience of a frat party, students have a choice between a white noise machine or a subwoofer playing music from a SoundCloud rapper. The care package also includes a portable sauna to give any space heat, humidity, a possible case of claustrophobia and bottles containing the sweat of Stanford students to provide the familiar fragrance of a frat party.

“We really tried to go all out on the sweat samples. We were thinking we could just give them our sweat, but then we realized we could pay Stanford students to contribute their sweat, which would be good for everyone in the community,” says Joseph Vanderbilt-Chevron ’21, Kappa Ligma’s financial chair. “Even though we lost $5,000, I think our Sweat Sample Drive was good image rehabilitation for us.”

Participants in the sweat drive were offered $50 via wire transfer and a Zoom meet-and-greet with former New Yorker legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin.

“We are also thinking about incorporating similar strategies for rush,” Javascript says. In the spring, potential pledges will be sent a separate package with a dozen cans of RedBull, a bag of unlabeled pills and a paddle. “Instructions will be sent separately,” Vanderbilt-Chevron says.

As not every member of Kappa Ligma is of legal drinking age, Javascript and Vanderbilt-Chevron declined to answer any questions about the shipment of alcohol to underage students.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Charlie Kogen at kogen ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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