Every September, there’s a buzz surrounding the newest iPhone. Will Apple add a button or remove a button? Will they add this port or remove that port? They might even add a letter to its name! For the iPhone 12, Apple is taking the unprecedented step of simply hot gluing a fridge magnet to the previous model and doubling the price. 

At the most recent virtual Apple Keynote, they told us all about it.

From under a couch in one of Apple Park’s many lounges, Jony Ive informed us in his soothing can’t-tell-if-it’s-British-or-Australian accent, “We listened to your concerns about the hassle of customizing a new phone every year. This is the first iPhone to come with the fridge magnet already attached. No more DIY projects.”

“Each new iPhone 12 comes with exactly 7.6 grams of hot glue, nearly a whole stick!” exclaimed CEO Tim Cook in a hair net and apron behind the counter of one of the campus’s several cafeterias. “That’s more than any other phone on the market! Even the Galaxy s20, which is just the iPhone 11 hot glued to a Samsung logo.”

The fridge magnet comes in several different shapes and color schemes. On the standard model, you can get a multicolored block letter, a tourist destination (chosen at random by Apple) or a tacky photo frame to keep a crayon drawing of your choice. For those with expensive taste, a magnet reading ‘Status Symbol’ in diamonds is available on pro models.

If you’re looking to get the newest model, the iPhone 12 has been available since October 23. However, you’ll have to make sure to get it quick before the iPhone 13 is announced this Friday.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Om Jahagirdar at ojahagir ‘at’ stanford.edu.