Satire by Charlie Kogen
Season 16 of “The Bachelorette” has been chock full of surprises, most recently with Bachelorette Clare Crawley’s unexpected choice to exit the show and pursue a relationship with contestant Dale Moss after Moss proposed to Crawley on air. However, in an even more surprising turn of events, the remaining contestants now have to find love among themselves.
“We’ve all been in quarantine together for this long, and we’re all just coming out of a big relationship. I mean, no homo, but hey, it’s cuffing season, baby!” said contestant Kenny Braasch, 39, who manages a boy band, and also acts as a part-time body double serving people who want to punch Robin Thicke.
Even before Crawley left the show with Moss, it was apparent that Moss was the frontrunner in the weeks leading up to their dramatic exit. “At a certain point, I thought the only way to get to Clare was to make a move with Dale,” said contestant Chasen Nick, 31. “I really was falling for him — I mean Clare.”
It appeared as though Tayshia Adams would be introduced as the new Bachelorette, restarting the usual process, however the show’s production team had other plans in mind. “We thought it was about time that we had a gay ‘Bachelor’ show, but we were worried about the backlash of having actual gay contestants,” said host Chris Harrison, who is handsome enough to be the host, but somehow not hot in the same way as the contestants. When asked, none of the remaining contestants identified themselves as gay, however, some of them say that because of ABC’s heavy quarantine restrictions, they were more open to experimentation.
Because of the unusual circumstances of this season of “The Bachelorette,” the contestants have a common thread that unites them all. “I came on this show to find love. I couldn’t find it with Clare, but I met some pretty chill dudes along the way who have all just been through the same heartbreak,” said Bennett Jordan, 36, who is a wealth management consultant and a proud graduate of Harvard University. “There are definitely some very attractive guys in this house, and I’m just trying to be a kind of everyman, average-Joe type to be more relatable to them, because — you know, Harvard. Did I mention I went there? Make sure to put that in the article.”
The next episode is set to air on Tuesday night, under the new title “The Bachelorette: No Girls Allowed.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Charlie Kogen at kogen ‘at’ stanford.edu.