The Occasionally staff were recently able to get ahold of a winter quarter cancellation email initially scheduled to be sent one day prior to the start of winter quarter. Don’t ask how we obtained this message… you really don’t want to know.

Dear Stanford Community,

I am writing to let you know that, with great regret, we have decided to pull another, ‘ha! you assumed incorrectly!’ on undergraduate students by officially uninviting them to campus for this upcoming winter quarter. Though we were eager to move some undergraduate cohorts back to campus after seeing a substantial rise in mental breakdowns over Zoom classes, we have concluded that our current public health situation and overall lack of preparation do not make these plans feasible right now.

Our initial plans to invite students back to campus by January were developed amid an improving public health situation. As cases were starting to decline and pumpkin spice lattes were making a comeback, it was reasonable to stay optimistic about the chances of bringing students on campus. However, as cases have skyrocketed in the past couple of weeks and no one really knows what the f*** is going on — sorry, we mean these are unprecedented times — we have decided that it’s probably best not to let students back on campus.

While this may come as a disappointment to pretty much everyone reading this email, know that we are here to support you. If it’s any consolation, Stanford plans to send all undergraduate students a box of Kleenex tissues so that you at least don’t have to pay for something that will absorb your tears. We also encourage you to purchase a stationary bike to ride between Zoom classes to feel like you’re biking on campus. 

Sincerely,

Marc Tessier-Latrine, President

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lorenzo Del Rosario at lorenzak ‘at’ stanford.edu.