Satire by Sarah Lewis
Plans are already in motion to physically sweep the Trump administration out of the White House after President Trump’s refusal to acknowledge his loss and cooperate with the Biden transition team.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” said Phillip Duncaster, Biden transition team member and top broom strategist. “We really didn’t want to bring in the Big Broom, but Donald left us no choice.”
The Broom is said to be around 12 feet in length and requires at least four people to hold the shaft in order to wield it properly.
“No one knows exactly where the Big Broom came from,” said DNC resource guy Todd Boyle. “Legend says it was designed by a Dickensian villain to chase orphans away from the doorsteps of London aristocrats. Other people claim it was an early prototype from NASA’s Occult Aviation program. But no one knows for sure. I found it in the old utilities closet, hidden behind a film of cobwebs and all of the unworn t-shirts printed for the DNC party celebrating Hillary Clinton’s 2016 election win — they really should have waited for the results before ordering those.”
“Listen folks,” said President-elect Joe Biden, “I don’t want to be the bad guy with the Broom. But this isn’t the first time the White House has had a rodent problem. Barack and I once had to expel a group of fascist mice who had taken up residence in an East Wing bathroom. We took a good old-fashioned American broom, and chased those rodents out. And here’s the deal, folks — right now, we’re facing a similar issue. It’s this simple: A big rat calls for a big broom.”
“I am not afraid of any broom,” said Donald Trump, looking distinctly afraid of brooms. “I come from a long line of those hardy, patriotic rats living in the New York City subway system. Not even AMTRAK trains could sweep them out. Those guys could scurry and so can I. And you know what? I refuse to be swept. In fact, I am the king of sweeping. Believe me, I’ve swept so many things under the rug: collusion, tax fraud, assault allegations. If anything is going to be swept, I’m going to be the one doing the sweeping.”
“Logistical plans for the Brooming are still in the works,” said Clarisse Dupont, broom tactician. “So far we’re trying to decide who should get to hold the Broom. We’ve just had an outpouring of volunteers. Hillary Clinton, The Queen of England, every CNN employee, Madonna, the original Broadway cast of Hamilton, there’s a lot of people who want a hand on the Broom. Melania Trump has been particularly vocal in asking to join the Brooming team.”
Everyone, it seems, is looking forward to the event.
“Oh I am very excited for the Broom,” said Vice President-elect Kamala Harris. “I bought a new pantsuit just for the occasion.”
Stil, there is a chance the Brooming might not even take place.
“If Donald Trump acknowledges his loss, accepts the peaceful transition of power, and stops being a big fascist baby, we will not swat him with the Broom,” Harris said.
“But come on,” she laughed. “We all know that’s not gonna happen.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Sarah Lewis at sarahelewis956 ‘at’ gmail.com.