Satire by Simran Tandon
In celebration of the announcement of Joe Biden as president-elect, one particularly creative couple — who was once kicked out of their Crossfit gym for being way too into it — created a triathlon inspired by the events of this historical election.
The first leg of the race is modeled after the walk that Biden took to reach the podium for his acceptance speech: half-jog, half-walk and all awkward. Competitors in the triathlon would be expected to replicate this deeply uncomfortable motion as they make their way through a seemingly endless hallway until they reach the finish line at a mock presidential podium, where they will be expected to say at least one vaguely inspiring but completely generic statement about the future of the United States.
Immediately following this event is the Ballot Bicycle Race. In this leg, competitors will race to a finish line while being stopped every now and then to count a predetermined set of ballots. The race can be completed at three speeds: Nevada, which involves being stopped only four times in the whole race to count ballots; Pennsylvania, which has 17 regularly spaced stops, but the last 10 are surrounded by angry white conservatives trying to puncture your tires; and California, where racers can count at whatever speed they want because no one particularly cares about the outcome.
The final leg of the triathlon is the Trump Tantrum swim across a comically large pond in a local golf course. The arm-waving motion, inspired by Donald Trump’s passionate hand motions when he discusses oppressing minority groups, replaces the arm movements of breast stroke to create an awkward looking and ineffective hybrid form of swimming. Contestants are encouraged to start spouting off insane and untrue boasts about themselves when they come up for air to gain extra points. This is also the only leg of the race where you can enact the bone-spur clause, a loophole that allows you to skip the section if you can successfully provide fraudulent evidence of a medical condition that prevents you participating.
The triathlon has announced that its starting point will be the Four Seasons. When asked which one, the organizers said, “whichever one seems the least likely for an event of this magnitude to take place.”
All interested participants can get in touch with the organizers by making a protein smoothie and leaving it on your porch as an offering. They will arrive with the necessary registration materials in three to four business days, or seven to 12 business days for international inquiries.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Simran Tandon at simrant ‘at’ stanford.edu.