Melania Trump announces new ‘Mutually Assured Emotional Destruction’ initiative of Be Best anti-bullying campaign

Humor by Sarah Lewis
Nov. 17, 2020, 7:38 p.m.

According to the Be Best website, Melania Trump has launched a new initiative entitled “Mutually Assured Emotional Destruction (MAED).” The new program involves recruiting the most astonishingly cruel middle school students from around the country to be “Little Oppenheimers” who will then visit schools nationwide to teach their peers how to “absolutely annihilate other children’s self worth through small, everyday actions as well as extensive and carefully premeditated cyberbullying.”

“The idea is that if we equip every student with the emotional equivalent of a nuclear bomb, they’ll all be too afraid of retaliation to make a move,” said Karl Short, top Be Best strategist and self-described “real man.” “Kids today are too soft. We wanted a solution to bullying that was 100% American and 0% kindness. We are absolutely certain the Be Best MAED initiative will cure bullying and anyone who disagrees is clearly a pacifist commie who probably pees himself during the national anthem.”

“It has been very, very hard, getting all the little children to listen to my Be Best project,” Trump said. “Everyone always says, ‘You must use empathy,’ and I say, ‘No, I do not want to, that sounds very gross.’ And the fake news keeps asking, ‘Melania, how can you run an anti-bullying campaign when your husband is a big giant bully?’ What, just because Donald has made Mitch McConnell cry 17 times, my husband is a bully? If Mitch McConnell were not such a pale wet mollusk he would not have tears to weep. After one meeting with my ‘Little Oppenheimers’ he would have the skills to make even my Donald’s cold, dead heart fill with pain and fear. That is the beauty of the MAED initiative.”

The MAED “Little Oppenheimers” will be an elite team of bullies selected from around the U.S. based on their creativity, ingenuity and general bloodlust.

“We’re recruiting the best of the best,” said Jim Philton, head of the talent search committee and man who was never hugged as a child. “We’ve pooled from all the cruelest sources: ballet classes, girls’ lacrosse teams in affluent suburbs, the hallways outside of middle school theater auditions, PE locker rooms, boys who are afraid of their emotions, anyone with mommy issues, the popular kids who hang out in the bathroom during their friend’s bat mitzvah to make fun of her dress and, of course, anyone named some variant of Mckenzie. The Myckenzies with a Y are really something else, those girls could go pro.” 

The MAED initiative is meant to take effect immediately. No one knows for sure what impact it will have, but the Be Best team is hopeful that vicious bullying and clever cruelty will be just the thing to finally heal our divided nation.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Sarah Lewis is the desk editor of the Humor section, an occasional writer for the Science and Technology news desk, and a gluttonous devourer of cheesy speculative fiction novels. She can often be found wearing silly hats in the Daily's satirical news videos, belting musical theatre songs, or burning toast. Contact her with questions, concerns, or Shakespearian insults at slewis 'at'

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