Satire by Ari Gabriel
The Stanford affiliates mentioned and quoted in this article have been granted anonymity for their privacy and safety.
A decade-long investigation into Stanford Athletics’ financials has revealed that Stanford University funnels millions of dollars each year towards intense and dangerous games of tag governed by shifting rules. The University has not denied these claims. A University spokesperson wrote in a statement to The Daily that these allegations were “bizzare, yet not technically incorrect from some perspectives.”
After more than a decade of undercover reporting, The Daily has uncovered what can only be called a conspiracy to fund complex, high-stakes tag games. For those unfamiliar with the premise of tag, tag involves two or more parties chasing each other hoping to “tag” the other party to win the game. This game is not unlike baseball, basketball, lacrosse, football, soccer and many other sports funded by the University, said a University Affiliate with connections to sports funding.
Asked if the University was funding tag games, the University affiliate, who had once written a self-acclaimed manual on sports practice, said “Don’t let them fool you! Baseball, the people running around chasing each other, football where they chase and tackle each other, it’s just tag with more steps. Well more steps and balls, lots of different shaped and sized balls.”
When asked about the differences between University sanctioned sports and tag, a spokesperson for the athletics department declined to comment.
A spokesperson for the fencing team wrote to The Daily in a statement, “If the University is intent on funding tag games, there is no better game of tag then fencing. The Athletics department should count this as just another reason that Stanford University fencing deserves long term funding.”
When asked about the misappropriation of funds to these so-called high-stakes tag games, the University Affiliate said “If Stanford athletics wants us to think it’s not just tag they need to try harder. They are lying to the public! They are just funding tag and calling something else to make it seem legit.”
When asked if it were true that the University was using funds to put on elaborate, high-stakes tag games, the University spokesperson declined to comment, instead writing, “even if the University was funding these so called tag games, the University would be within its purview to do so and would only be doing so for the benefit of the student population.”
This investigation is still developing.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Julia Thompson contributed reporting.
Contact Ari Gabriel at arijgab ‘at’ stanford.edu