In response to criticism from students over their response to terrorism in D.C., handling of police brutality and the abrupt cancellation of winter quarter, Stanford officials announced yesterday that a 60-foot, 27-million-dollar monument has been erected on campus. The monument is reportedly made of pure Carrara marble, weighs nearly a ton and portrays a forty-foot student sitting at a desk, attending class via Zoom. 

Although the inscription on the accompanying bronze plaque was not included in the official statement, students on campus report that it begins with, “Although we are living in unprecedented times, your strength and perseverance has allowed us to continue to strengthen our sense of community” and ends with, “Deborah, could you squeeze in another platitude at the end? No, don’t write that on the plaque.”

When asked via email about the announcement, student reception was lukewarm.

“Do they think we’re upset that they’re not telling us how great we are? They’ve said that in, like, every email since last March,” wrote Ariana Lloyd ’23. “Personally, I’m upset because police let white supremacists storm the Capitol, but maybe that’s just me.”

“How much did you say that thing cost?” asked David Cade ’23. “Twenty-seven million dollars? It would have been nice if, say, six hundred could have gone towards my non-refundable plane ticket. But I guess the monument is fine.”

“Yeah, I saw that thing,” said Aaron Zhang ’24. “They actually put it right outside my dorm room window, so now I’m just staring at that guy’s ass all day.”

President Marc Tessier-Lavigne expressed confusion at the response.

“Our hope was that this monument could stand as a testament to the hard work and bravery that Stanford students have demonstrated during this difficult period,” Tessier-Lavigne told The Daily. “We’re not sure why students are reacting negatively. Do you want a bigger statue? More emails expressing my sincere personal condolences? It’s just so hard to keep you all happy.” 

At press time, Stanford administrators have informed students that to cover the cost and maintenance of the monument, tuition will increase by five percent for the spring quarter.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Sofie Storan at sofiefs ‘at’ stanford.edu.