It is with a heart throbbing with patriotic joy that the Trumpian Herald (previously The Stanford Daily) announces the ascension of His Supreme Serene Imperial Highness Donald Trump to the newly established throne of The Holy American Empire.
His Supreme Serene Imperial Highness displayed gallant honor as He rode atop a roaring alabaster steed, leading the charge of His god-blesséd army into the empire’s capital. His Highness was NOT cowering in an undisclosed location and declining Mike Pence’s phone calls; any reports to the contrary are pernicious lies and will be answered with bayonets and hard labor.
A chorus of angels heralded His Highness and His chosen as the peaceful horde literally floated into the Capitol building, buoyed up on a cushion of hope cultivated from the hearts of patriotic children. One could actually hear the sound of freedom ringing through each and every hallowed hall. Reportedly it sounded like a group of 50-year-old white men harmoniously chanting “USA! USA! USA!”
Miracles have been reported around the country, displaying the virtue and power of our new, tenderhearted king.
First, all hate disappeared from the world. Suddenly, even the most persecuted were able to walk freely and be received with love. America’s most vulnerable communities — homophobes, racists and Nazis — sang the king’s praise as they strolled happily through the streets, no longer fearing attacks from dangerous domestic terrorists like liberal arts students and boys who wear nail polish.
Then, the Statue of Liberty began to weep with joy, knowing that the prophesied king had finally come to save her from all the tired, poor, huddled masses who desperately wanted to sully America’s beautiful shore with their stinky little shoes.
Then, without warning, every woman in America was passionately overcome with love and holy lust for His Supreme Highness, weeping with both ardor and despair as they realized their puny husbands could never compare.
Finally, the Constitution burst into a ball of sentient flame, proclaiming in the voice of every founding father: “Americans rejoice! You have no further need for me, nor for laws at all. Instead your guiding doctrines will henceforth be love and laissez-faire capitalism. His Trumpian Highness’ will is supreme, and through His wisdom wonders are done.”
By direct order from His Imperial Highness, Stanford will proudly profess its love for our sweet, handsome king by changing the University’s color from “Cardinal” to “MAGA Red.” Because the mainstream social media have proved a cowardly and unpatriotic platform, The Trump Tower 2™️ (previously the Hoover Tower) on campus will be outfitted with a very large megaphone and will henceforth be used to broadcast His Serene Highness’ unfiltered thoughts across our joyous green so that every student may bathe in the glorious words of our nation’s one true love.
If you find any ugly, America-hating Democrats hiding amongst the upright patriots on our campus, His Serene Highness asks you, dear citizen, to apprehend them at once. However, His Highness urges you to exercise extreme caution. Democrats are tricksy creatures full of guile who will try to hypnotize you with talk of empathy and elected governance. Do not allow your mind to be clouded by their un-American witchcraft! Bring them immediately to the Trump Tower 2™️ so that they may be patriotically thrown from the top floor.
May you be bathed in the benevolent orange glow of His Supreme Serene Highness and may you one day take your place in the great Mar-a-lago in the sky.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.