BREAKING: President-Elect Joe Biden announced that he and the USA will be foregoing the traditional inauguration, opting instead to elope in the Sierra Nevada. 

The exact location has been kept tightly under wraps and is still unknown despite intense efforts to uncover it by middle school conspiracy theorists and Newsmax anchors. The ceremony will be broadcast to the public over Zoom with a computer-generated backdrop of the Golden Gate Bridge.

“It was a last-minute decision,” Biden said, hurriedly shoving a Bible and a copy of the Constitution into his suitcase. “But I think it’s for the best. After what happened in the Capitol, America and I have decided that we just don’t need any of that drama.” 

The USA agreed. “I just want to move onto a better presidency as quickly as possible,” she said, wiping a tear from her eye. “After these last four years in a thoroughly abusive relationship, I’m so relieved to be starting my new life with a competent leader.” 

The private ceremony will be scheduled for the 20th. Guests will include Biden’s family, Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and her family and the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Donald Trump is decidedly not invited. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Michelle Fu at mifu67 ‘at’ stanford.edu.