Friend group impeaches Brian for second time

Humor by Charlie Kogen
Jan. 21, 2021, 8:15 p.m.

Just days before leaving their Airbnb in Mountain View, a frosh pod voted to impeach pod member Brian for the second time. Cameron brought impeachment proceedings to the house after Brian failed to completely close the lid on the almond milk last Tuesday. “You can say whatever you want about me, call me names, insult my family. But you never, ever, EVER leave the cap off the almond milk, or even worse, put the cap on and don’t screw it in all the way,” says Cameron. “That’s where I draw the line. It’s like the overcooked eggs all over again.”

Members of the pod agree that Brian has always been a divisive figure in their friend group. However, some appear to be more troubled by his recent behavior than others. “The almond milk doesn’t bother me so much. He just spends way too much time in his room alone with his thoughts, and it’s kind of concerning,” says Jessica. “And then when he does come out of his room, he starts saying some questionable things. Like I get that he’s going through a rough family situation these days, but that doesn’t mean you can just claim that a hot dog isn’t a sandwich.”

Other members of the pod aren’t as bothered by his personality. “He speaks his mind, and he makes no apologies,” Nicki says. “When he argues that Louis is the best member of One Direction, that’s just Brian being Brian. When he tries to do complex calculus drunk off one White Claw, that’s just Brian being Brian. Besides, he is always the life of the party, he keeps us on our toes. He makes a good microwave pizza.”

Although Lucy has said in private to Julian that she believes the almond milk is an impeachable offense, she made it very clear to the rest of the group that they would only be able to begin the removal process after their lease has expired. “While we unequivocally condemn the almond milk for being ajar, we can’t completely blame Brian. This is not a game of politics,” said Lucy.

After the impeachment, Brian drove back home to Arizona and was unavailable for an interview.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Charlie Kogen at kogen ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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