Humor by Richard Coca
It all started after a quick visit to the all-gender restroom on the second floor in Soto. The restroom, notably farthest from all of the other residents, used to be the perfect location for all of first-year Reina Gonzalez’s bathroom needs.
Gonzalez noted that she practically reigned over the restroom by herself until the dorm threw an on-call sponsored by their Taco Bell ambassador. After many of the residents began visiting the restroom en masse, Gonzalez noticed something was off.
“I kept hearing the toilet in the restroom flush and at first I was like ‘Guess, they found my secret restroom.’ But then I noticed that there was no one in there,” she said.
Ambrocio Wong ‘24 echoed Gonzalez’s fears.
“It was 3 am and the toilet kept flushing,” he said. “At first, I thought someone was just taking a dump but after 20 consecutive flushes, I got concerned. I knew there was no way the human body could expel Taco Bell that violently without some type of need for medical attention.”
Upon further investigation by The Occasionally, we confirmed that the toilet was indeed flushing frequently between 3 a.m. and 6 a.m. Our reporters also uncovered a possible explanation involving paranormal activity.
“No yeah, the reason she has her own bathroom is not that it is the farthest away from all of us. We asked to be moved after she said her fun fact was that she ‘killed another student to get off the waiting list,’” said one student.
Another resident had heard the same rumors.
“Gonzalez for sure is being haunted by her id,” they said. “I learned about how guilt manifests itself in mysterious ways in PSYCH 1 and I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she was just flushing the toilet herself 100 times.”
When confronted with the allegation, Gonzalez did not outright deny the allegations.
“It was either this or Brown,” she said. “Forgive me if it’s a crime to not want to willingly go to Providence.”
As of the print deadline, these allegations have not been confirmed and plumbers have been called to fix what appears to be a rogue toilet with a vengeance.
“We’ve seen roll out patrols, coyotes, and random men streaking across campus, but nothing like this,” said Resident Fellow Gerhard Casper. “I’ve begun contemplating using dorm funds to hire a priest to drive this spirit out of here.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.