Mike Pence forced to wander the streets of Washington after coming out as un-reelected

Humor by Sarah Lewis
Feb. 4, 2021, 8:50 p.m.

After coming out to the American people as un-reelected, Mike Pence was abruptly turned out of his Washington home. 

“It’s not like it was a choice,” sobbed Pence, swiping at his eyes. “You think I want to be someone who loses an election? It’s just who I am! I can’t believe they would turn their back on me like this! How can people be so cruel, kicking someone out of their home and job, just because of who they are?!”

Without a place to live, Pence and his wife have been roaming the streets of Washington, despondently searching for someone to take them in. 

“I’m sorry,” said Jillian Pinkerton, a Washington homeowner. “But I just can’t let people like that into my good, Christian home. Marriage should be between two consenting adults who love each other, not some repressed weirdo and a woman he calls mother. God said Adam and Spouse, not Mike Pence in my house.”

“I mean I feel bad for them or whatever, but I just don’t want them staying at my place,” said Tucker Marks, a local conservative bachelor. “I only have one bathroom in this apartment and obviously I need to use it. That bathroom is a men’s bathroom. If Karen peed in there it would be gender neutral. And then we’d all be going straight to Hell. Is that what you want?”

Many Washingtonians witnessed the Pences going door to door to ask for shelter. Both of them were reportedly weeping and carrying a bindle made from the old Oval Office drapes and a big stick.

“Look, I get that he didn’t choose to lose the election, but does he have to be so open about it?” said Kimberly Thomas. “Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate people who lose elections, but watching it grosses me out. I like lots of election losers. My cousin lost an election once in college! But she had the decency to do that in the privacy of her own home. Why can’t the Pences just be more subtle about it?”

For now, the Pences are sheltering inside a fort made of tattered Trump flags and discarded MAGA hats. Reportedly, the fort has not been particularly effective at keeping out the elements, but has come in handy every time a rainbow has appeared in the sky, allowing Mike Pence to cower inside to avoid bursting into a ball of flames and fliers advertising for conversion therapy. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Sarah Lewis is the desk editor of the Humor section, an occasional writer for the Science and Technology news desk, and a gluttonous devourer of cheesy speculative fiction novels. She can often be found wearing silly hats in the Daily's satirical news videos, belting musical theatre songs, or burning toast. Contact her with questions, concerns, or Shakespearian insults at slewis 'at' stanforddaily.com

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