Last week, it was announced that former National Youth Poet Laureate Amanda Gorman would be reciting poetry at Super Bowl LV. Based on the positive response to both Gorman’s performance at the inauguration of President Joe Biden and her inclusion in the festivities, the NFL has decided to take the halftime show to the next level, featuring many prominent artists and intellectuals in addition to Gorman.

“Clearly, the NFL fans have spoken, and they want sophisticated art and social commentary with their football. We’re not overcompensating at all for our previous actions,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

The halftime show will feature excerpts of Ken Burns’s Jazz, a lecture by Jon Meacham on his Pulitzer Prize-winning book about Andrew Jackson, and a Q&A with Nobel Prize-winning geneticist Jennifer Doudna on CRISPR gene editing. All the while, Japanese artist Takashi Murakami will paint flowers across the football field, and by the end of the halftime show, the work should be complete.

Philip Glass was also commissioned to write a composition for the halftime show. However, it has been challenging.

“I am just stuck trying to figure out a way for Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani to perform it together,” Glass said.

Critics of this move argue that an intellectual, esoteric Superbowl halftime show is not what the NFL fans want. But others, especially artists, argue that it elevates football from a sport into an art.

“After all, what is football if not a performance?” says Sir Patrick Stewart. “It’s a bunch of men in silly costumes guided by a ‘playbook,’ and interacting with each other to evoke an emotional response from an audience. Sounds like the theatre to me!”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact kogen ‘at’ stanford.edu.