FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Statement from Riva, Susie Brubaker-Cole’s Dog:

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Translation from Canine: To my supporters and fans across campus and across the world, I thank you for your continued interest and adoration. Many of you have called me a “good dog”; I take such high commendation very seriously, and I will constantly endeavor to remain worthy of this title of respect. As you are aware, my owner is very busy trying to make sure student concerns are being addressed in a timely manner and as such, I have not been able to get as much screen time as some of you clamor for.

I am only a simple dog who lives to comfort humans in their time of need, and these unprecedented times call for unprecedented modes of communication. I have been able to type on a MacBook for some time now. Being at Stanford, I thought it wise to learn a new skill and fit in with the students in CoHo who are always too busy to look up from their screen and say hi to their friends in line for pastries. You, the people, have constantly asked for better and “more human-like” communication with Stanford administrators — but if I’m being honest, I was quite hurt you all did not ask for “more dog-like” communication. As a dog with a blog, I thought it best to directly communicate with you all via The Stanford Daily and address your very real concerns, desires and dreams.

I know we will get through this if we look after one another and uphold our collective responsibility to keep each other safe during this pandemic. I am looking forward to the future where I will soon be able to bump into you humans on my daily walk and have you all give me many belly rubs.

Yours truly,
Riva

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.