The Unethicist is a column for Michelle Fu (who has never taken an ethics class) to answer your burning ethical quandaries.

Dear Unethicist, I can’t get anyone to anonymously confess their love to me on Stanford Missed Connections. This is so humiliating. If no one sends one in for me within the next week, should I take it into my own hands? — Single and Ready to Mingle

Said The Supremes in their 1966 smash hit, “You Can’t Hurry Love”: “You can’t hurry love. No, you just have to wait.” To which I say, what a load of utter nonsense. Absolutely take matters into your own hands. 

How? You could start by taking the easy route. Use the old busker’s trick of seeding your tip jar and send in one spicy DM after another professing love for yourself. Your admirers’ missed connections will soon follow. 

But what if — God forbid — you don’t have any admirers? That means it’s time for some more drastic measures. Barge into the room of the nearest sleep-deprived CS major in the wee hours of the morning and say, hypnotically, “Confess your love for me on SMC and your code will compile.” Because this CS major is delirious, desperate and 100 recursive levels deep, they will believe you. It should only take a little extra work for them to actually fall in love with you — just follow the same principles. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Need chaotic advice? Contact Michelle Fu at mifu67 ‘at’ stanford.edu.