Libra – Avoid boats.

Aries – You will drop a slice of avocado toast face-down today. Deal with it, bitch.

Sagittarius – Your only chance at happiness is cowboy erotica. Yeehaw, I guess. 

Pisces – Take a page from Timothée Chalamet’s book this week and get real familiar with some peaches. 

Scorpio – Today someone will call you an ugly-faced limpid-eyed hoe, and you will deserve it. 

Taurus – Blue is not your color. 

Leo – Stop it.

Capricorn – You’re not Hamlet. Stop cock-blocking your mom. 

Gemini – A very sexy hitman will be coming to take you out. 

Cancer – You will commit accidental homicide via boat. 

Virgo – Admit it. He looks a little bit too much like your dad. 

Aquarius – Avoid peaches*.

*[Except if you are Timothée Chalamet]

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Simran Tandon at simrant ‘at’ stanford.edu.