Libra – Seeing a bear this week will lead to 7 years of bad luck. Avoid Grindr. 

Scorpio – Avoid showers.

Taurus – Just because the shape of water is on Hulu doesn’t mean you have to watch it. Fishf***er.

Capricorn – Feminism is skinning 99 puppies for a coat.

Sagittarius – No.

Aquarius – You are the Winston Churchill of your friend group. 

Pisces – Avoid Scorpios. If you can smell B.O. it’s already too late. 

Gemini – You will be changing your name to Fitzherbert soon. Not because you are getting married, but because you will be entering the Witness Protection Program.

Leo – If you want to avoid divorce, put down the hot sauce. 

Virgo – Your tapeworms are gay and very much in love.

Aries – You’re gonna watch ‘To All the Boys I Loved Before 3’ and like it, you little freak.

Cancer – Identity theft is not a joke.