Libra – Seeing a bear this week will lead to 7 years of bad luck. Avoid Grindr.
Scorpio – Avoid showers.
Taurus – Just because the shape of water is on Hulu doesn’t mean you have to watch it. Fishf***er.
Capricorn – Feminism is skinning 99 puppies for a coat.
Sagittarius – No.
Aquarius – You are the Winston Churchill of your friend group.
Pisces – Avoid Scorpios. If you can smell B.O. it’s already too late.
Gemini – You will be changing your name to Fitzherbert soon. Not because you are getting married, but because you will be entering the Witness Protection Program.
Leo – If you want to avoid divorce, put down the hot sauce.
Virgo – Your tapeworms are gay and very much in love.
Aries – You’re gonna watch ‘To All the Boys I Loved Before 3’ and like it, you little freak.
Cancer – Identity theft is not a joke.