Truth Talk with Hoobert Herver: Impeachment

Humor by

Hoobert Herver is a Hoover Fellow, holder of many elite college degrees, respected political columnist and very mediocre golf player. He has one noble goal: to provide the American public with truthful, unbiased, objective, not at all opinionated opinions that are not influenced by elitism, facts or slimy, slimy bureaucrats. Each week, Herver’s pure, unadulterated thoughts are fabricated by Sarah Lewis and published in this column, ‘Truth Talk with Hoobert Herver’.

Hi America, Hoobert Herver here. If you’re anything like me, you were absolutely sickened by the travesty that happened in our capital when a horde of partisan crazies sought to enforce their own twisted justice on an elected official whose legitimacy they refused to recognize. I am speaking, of course, of the shameful, nauseating farce that was the attempted impeachment of President Trump. This heinous act of anti-conservatism was absolutely disgusting and anyone who tells you differently is a leftist liar who suckles their news directly from the liberal media’s socialist teat.

First of all, this was a sham trial from the beginning. Everyone knows the Constitution says there are only a few, extremely limited situations in which impeachment is possible. In fact, there has only been one successful impeachment in the entire history of the US and that was the 1961 impeachment of James Henry Trotter, the seven year old who terrorized New York City by flying around in an enormous peach along with his hulking insect accomplices, as reported by Roald Dahl in his eye-opening exposé, “James and the Giant Peach.” This was, incidentally, the only time there has ever been a peach large enough to be used for in-peachment purposes.

Second of all, even if it were possible for the Dems to grow a peach similar in size to that of James Henry Trotter’s, they certainly would not have been able to procure said peach before President Trump left office, as peaches are not currently in season in Georgia and impeaching our President with a big, foreign peach would be so un-American that every congressperson would wet their pants. So this trial was completely pointless from the get-go.

What’s funny to me is that the Dems are happy to ignore both of these scientific facts: First, that peaches very rarely grow large enough for impeachment, and secondly that February is not peach season in Georgia. Yet the liberals scream about conservatives ignoring science? I mean seriously, can you blame me for not believing in magic invisible “virus particles” that can secretly be spread from person to person just by talking? Sorry snowflakes, that sounds more like communism to me. And wearing a mask never stopped communism. Everyone knows that only a healthy dose of patriotic McCarthyism can do that.

Maybe if our lawmakers took their minds off of big peaches and magic sneezes they would actually be able to get something done in this country. Remember, it’s your right to hold your elected officials accountable. I recommend voicing your displeasure by calling their office, emailing their staff or coughing on them when you see them at the grocery store.

Yours disgruntled,

Hoobert Herver.

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Sarah Lewis is the desk editor of the Humor section, an occasional writer for the Science and Technology news desk, and a gluttonous devourer of cheesy speculative fiction novels. She can often be found wearing silly hats in the Daily's satirical news videos, belting musical theatre songs, or burning toast. Contact her with questions, concerns, or Shakespearian insults at slewis 'at' stanforddaily.com