Zoom announces new visual and audio features including rally filters and primal screams

Humor by Richard Coca
Feb. 25, 2021, 8:06 p.m.

Zoom announced new visual and audio features for students currently calculating the minimum number of points needed to pass their classes at this point in the quarter. 

The new filters include a selection of rally ranging from your classic rainbow tutu to your generic cow onesie, a pair of heart-shaped sunglasses that reminds everyone that you’re single for a reason and facial recognition that automatically flips all frowns upside down.

“This is a game changer,” said Denzel Johnson ’21, a PSYCH 1 teaching assistant. “Gone are the days I would have to put on a fake smile for my sectionees. I can finally scowl at them whenever they ask me stupid questions — which really do exist — and Zoom will simply cover it up.”

These new features are expected to be rolled out as soon as Week 9, when the amount of students with their camera on is expected to reach record lows.

“We are most excited by the audio features, which promise to recreate vital aspects of the traditional Stanford experience,” said London Pipton ’24. “One of the biggest demands we’ve seen at Frosh Council is this need for normalcy, and the ‘primal scream’ button on Zoom promises to bring that.”

Others are not as excited. Professor Erick Yawn expressed mixed feelings about the new features. “The sob-silencing feature has a lot of potential, but I’m scared that students will abuse the primal scream button every time I try to teach them something new,” he said.

The University expects that the rollout of these features will enhance the classroom setting and make up for the relatively large tuition fees we are expected to pay.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Richard Coca '22 has previously served as editor of The Grind for volume 258, managing editor of Satire in vol. 257, and CLIP Co-chair in vol. 255. He is majoring in Human Biology and minoring in Anthropology. Contact him at rcoca 'at'

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