Alaska prepares to wage war against Texas

Feb. 28, 2021, 9:49 p.m.

Lately, freezing cold temperatures have swept through a swath of the southern United States, rendering Texas and nearby areas powerless. Although meteorologists have cited climate change as the cause of these icy weather conditions, many people have considered another potential cause of the recent winter storms: Alaskan invasion.

Alaska and Texas have had long-standing political tensions over land mass since 1959, when Alaska attained statehood and officially became the largest state. Since then, Texas has held an extreme grudge against Alaska, frustrated over its puny size relative to the superior northern territory. Alaskans have reciprocated these negative sentiments against their southern rival, preparing for the Lone Star state to initiate war.

Flight records from Delta, American Airlines and Southwest have indicated that suspiciously high numbers of Alaskans (maybe four or five of them, more than have ever been seen in one place) have been migrating to Texas and random towns in the Midwest. This mass migration across the country has coincided with the sudden winter storms that have been negatively impacting Texans’ livelihood, leading some citizens to believe that there might be a correlation between the two.

“These Alaskans are definitely taking their cold a** weather into our nice, peaceful state. This is totally unfair. Just because they have to suffer and almost get hypothermia each winter doesn’t mean they have to punish us as well!” stated Billy Jones, a disillusioned resident of some small, unimportant town in Texas.

While the science behind transporting cold weather conditions remains unclear, a significant portion of the Texan population is convinced that Alaskans are taking the first step toward waging war against the second-largest state. Military experts have predicted that their next move will be to release angered polar bears throughout the cities of Houston and Dallas.

When The Occasionally tried reaching out to all 20 residents of Alaska, all of them refused to comment on the impending battles to come.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Lorenzo Del Rosario ’24 is the supreme dictator of the podcasts section. When he isn’t too busy taking long naps or religiously listening to Kendrick Lamar, he also writes for humor and the equity project. Hailing from the superior northern territory of Alaska, he plans on majoring in bioengineering and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at ldelrosario 'at'

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