Libra – Are you really going to drink that iced coffee in the middle of winter?

Scorpio – True power does not fear Winnie the Pooh.

Taurus – Try to dress a little more like Bill Murray. 

Capricorn – Log off. 

Sagittarius – Now is the time to invest in a hard hat. 

Aquarius – You will find a tooth in your stool. Gross. 

Pisces – Getting almond milk lattes is, in fact, a sign of weakness. 

Gemini – Wearing your ex’s t-shirt 24/7 isn’t as weird as your therapist thinks it is. 

Leo – A little bit of acid never hurt anybody.

Virgo – Winnie the Pooh cosplays are auspicious this month. 

Aries – Think you won’t find lesbian bonobo sex in your textbook this week? Think again. 

Cancer – A broken bone is a state of mind. Try yoga.