Libra – Are you really going to drink that iced coffee in the middle of winter?
Scorpio – True power does not fear Winnie the Pooh.
Taurus – Try to dress a little more like Bill Murray.
Capricorn – Log off.
Sagittarius – Now is the time to invest in a hard hat.
Aquarius – You will find a tooth in your stool. Gross.
Pisces – Getting almond milk lattes is, in fact, a sign of weakness.
Gemini – Wearing your ex’s t-shirt 24/7 isn’t as weird as your therapist thinks it is.
Leo – A little bit of acid never hurt anybody.
Virgo – Winnie the Pooh cosplays are auspicious this month.
Aries – Think you won’t find lesbian bonobo sex in your textbook this week? Think again.
Cancer – A broken bone is a state of mind. Try yoga.