Libra — Think about how you can be more like Jamie Lee Curtis in “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.”

Scorpio — Embrace your inner crow and search for shiny wrappers on the street.

Taurus — Does wearing that leather jacket give you the validation your parents never did? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Capricorn — Repetition is the lowest form of wit.

Sagittarius — Try littering this week.

Aquarius — Deep-rooted insecurity is your friend, or maybe they’re just saying that to use your toaster oven.

Pisces — Why?

Gemini — Treat yourself. Get an exorcism.

Leo — Rejection is God’s way of telling you he doesn’t care.

Virgo — Repetition is the lowest form of wit.

Aries — Cleanse your soul by listening to the Wiggles tonight.

Cancer — Forget it.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.