Humor by Sarah Lewis
There has been a sharp uptick in the number of vampire seductions on Stanford’s campus in the last two weeks. Several students have reported seeing startlingly pale, sleep-deprived, undead hotties in weirdly anachronistic clothes lurking around the med school.
“At first I just assumed they were CS + Theatre majors,” said Stacy Markson, a Stanford med student. “I mean that would explain the dark circles, the weird amount of eye contact and also the cravat. But then I saw one of them get way too excited when he found out he was talking to a phlebotomist. That’s when I knew something was very, very wrong.”
Vampires, despite being unfathomably old, do not qualify as a vulnerable population eligible for early access to the COVID-19 vaccine, on account of being undead.
“It is absolutely sickening,” said Vladimir Androniki Krovopiytsakov, a Slavic prince from before the revolution with a particular fondness for peasant blood. “I used to play charades with Czar Nicholas, and every night I must find a new human juice box or else all of my bones will turn to dust, but that young, sexy babe Betty White will get the vaccine before I do? Sickening.”
After petitioning California’s governor to no avail, the Vampyric Council of Palo Alto released a statement: “Though the vaccine situation is hardly ideal, we remain sanguine and are fully prepared to take matters into our own fangs.”
“If California won’t inoculate me, I will suck the vaccine straight out of their precious med students’ veins. Mwahahahaha!” cackled an unidentified, oddly sibilant male voice on the tape recorder we found lying in a pool of blood. Daily reporter and Stanford Medical School student Sydney Tunk is still missing.
Still, med students are skeptical.
“What? Vampires? That’s ridiculous,” said Trina Lee, unconsciously tugging at her scarf to better cover her neck. “I think I would know if my boyfriend was a vampire. Besides, Edward is just too sweet for that. You know, he calls me such cute nicknames, like ‘darling’ and ‘booster shot’ and ‘my sweet, succulent Capri Sun,’ isn’t that adorable?”
Some undergraduates are particularly upset about the vampire seductions.
“I do not appreciate them moving in on our hunting grounds,” seethed Carl Bingle, a human teenager studying economics. “My parents sent me to this school to get rich and marry a doctor. Me and the boys always come here after class to try to pick up cuties in white coats. But how are we supposed to snag a med student when those creepy vampires are turning all the cute ones into their own personal vaccine Go-Gurts? First COVID, now this. Why does everything bad always happen to me?”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.