Libra — Your aura is reminiscent of a hellish combination of Rainbow Brite™ and Darth Vader’s left arm.

Scorpio — 4/10.

Taurus — Avoid potassium-rich foods.

Capricorn — You’re the New Hampshire of people. 

Sagittarius — Set up an at-home phone sex business via landline to compensate for bombing your finals.

Aquarius — Break your ankle for attention. You deserve it.

Pisces — Science says you’re being a real bitch today.

Gemini — This week, speak exclusively in Pig Latin to show off how mysterious you are. *

Leo — You’d never survive the apocalypse.

Virgo — Mm, bees. 

Aries — No amount of meditation can save your grades now.

Cancer — Debilitating anxiety is the spice of life.

*The Occasionally is not liable for any negative grade changes as a result of only speaking Pig Latin during finals week.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.