Humor by Simran Tandon
Libra — Your aura is reminiscent of a hellish combination of Rainbow Brite™ and Darth Vader’s left arm.
Scorpio — 4/10.
Taurus — Avoid potassium-rich foods.
Capricorn — You’re the New Hampshire of people.
Sagittarius — Set up an at-home phone sex business via landline to compensate for bombing your finals.
Aquarius — Break your ankle for attention. You deserve it.
Pisces — Science says you’re being a real bitch today.
Gemini — This week, speak exclusively in Pig Latin to show off how mysterious you are. *
Leo — You’d never survive the apocalypse.
Virgo — Mm, bees.
Aries — No amount of meditation can save your grades now.
Cancer — Debilitating anxiety is the spice of life.
*The Occasionally is not liable for any negative grade changes as a result of only speaking Pig Latin during finals week.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.