To better assess the needs of everyone at Stanford, members of our community that expect to be on campus are now required to report their vibes’ status each day using Stanford Vibe Check™. With this new tool, Stanford will be able to automate the self-reporting process, which supports the existing University mandate implemented to abolish pointless small talk like “How are you doing?” or “How’s your Week X going?”
The goal of this program is to keep our on-campus population healthy by tracking overall vibes and intervening when the vibes are off. Widespread use of this tool across Stanford will help ensure that everybody is doing well, or, at the very least, doing the best they can given the circumstances. All information entered will be collected and sold to the highest bidder. All students, faculty and staff on campus must monitor their health daily for symptoms of bad vibes. If you have any symptoms, contact your health care provider or email [email protected]
Complete the vibe check survey daily before you go to campus or leave your on-campus residence:
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.